Man, what *didn't* I find...
Yeah, the wires to one of the sensors were chafed through down to the conductor. Fixed that, but kept getting intermittent errors. So I replaced the front sensor torx bolts with longer hex bolts and added a star washer underneath the sensor and a lock washer above it. That fixed the grounding and most of the problems, but it would *still* crap out on me every now and then.
I knew the problem had to be in the front because I could sometimes make the light start blinking by slamming the hood. The final piece of the puzzle was the three-wire connectors just off of the sensors. Basically they suck, and in my car they loosen very slightly over time until they cause a connectivity failure. Rather than cut them off and replace them, though, I've had good luck just pressing them firmly together and then wrapping the two halves of the connector with electrical tape to hold them tight.
Been a few months now and so far it seems to be working well.