If I understand you correctly, you are in Raleigh NC. now.
There are a few members there and they will probably chime in.
Not knowing your "motorhead" level this may or may not be helpful.
You probably have a bad ground somewhere.
Also, if you can get the engine to start, a voltage check across
the battery should be something like 14.3V...
This is about normal output for alternators...
I wrote this "how to" for someone having a problem with the starter. I thought there might be some interest to others that were not following that thread.
If you have an electric fuel pump you may want to remove the fuse for the pump before doing these tests.
All these tests are done with a fully charged battery and digital volt meter..
1. Put the volt meter across the battery and try to start the car. (It doesn't matter which meter lead goes to which poll on the battery or any other test point we will be checking. We're going to ignore the - or + shown on the meter. )
The meter will show how much the battery is maintaining it's voltage during starting. It should not be less then 10 V. A battery's ability to maintain voltage here is the capacity of the battery not the voltage (charge) of the battery at rest. Capacity has to do with the total surface area (of the plates) of the battery. The CCA (number) rating is a good indicator. CCA is noted on the battery label. Batteries with the same size (H,W,D) can and do have different CCA numbers. CCA is cold cranking amps. The amount it can put out when under load. (As most with most things, size counts here.)
2. Now put the volt meter between the battery ground (-) terminal and any bolt or something on the engine. (near the battery is OK. ) Run the starter. Note the voltage on the meter. A good reading would be below 0.4 volts. Anything higher will indicate a bad/week ground between the battery and the motor. Remember any voltage here means less voltage for the starter motor. If a problem is indicated you need to add another ground to the system or fix the one that is installed. The OEM ground cable (between the car body and the starter) is located on the starter visible under the car. If the ground cable is missing or really bad you will be drawing current through something else like the tach cable or somewhere else. Not good, this can really cause big problems down the road.A good cleaning of this cable and the area it is bolted to, might fix the problem.
3. Now we're going to check the +12V (red) cable. This one goes from the + terminal on the battery directally to the starter. (the big cable.) This takes a little work. First disconnect the battery ground (-) cable at the battery (Very important !!!) At the starter loosen the nut on the big cable and add an other wire (3-4 ft long) to it. We're going to bring a wire from the starter up where it's easy to attach to the volt meter later. Now reattach the ground cable to the battery. We're going to measure the voltage across the +12 v cable while the starter is running. Attach the meter to this new wire and the +terminal on the battery. Check voltage while starter is running. A reading of 0.8 is what I have on my car and the starter runs fine. Depending on the voltage reading you may have to install a bigger wire.
4. Now we're going to check the voltage across the starter. Put the volt meter from the wire (the 3-4 ft one) you installed on the starter and any good point on the engine. Run the starter. This will show just how many volts are actually showing up at the starter.
Write down all these numbers and report back (if there is a problem,) and lets see if we can figure this out.
NB: Don't forget to secure ( you may need it later.) that wire we added to the starter. If this wire touches any thing you will get a really good spark. ::
BTW: Be aware that some batteries are mislabeled as to CCA in the stores. I always take a tester with me anytime I go to buy a battery. Below is the one I have used for years. (no stock in the company) Notice that there is two leads going to each alligator r clip. This is to insure there is a good contact with the battery being tested. There are many testers using this technology with only one wire attaching the aligater clip. Don't buy these. They are not reliable.
Amazon.com: Midtronics PBT200 Battery Tester w Charging System Test: Automotive
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And , No your Alfa does not hate you.
She, like a 6 year old, is just trying to how far she can
push you...