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Phellow Alphisti,

It seems that a phew pholks have become phixated on using the eph word over the past phew days. Phurther, a phair number of other pholks have phrowned upon or are ophended by it's phrequent use. Suphice to say, it's use is phorbidden by the phorum rules.
Ophicially, the hope is that it's use is phinally phinished and ask all to rephrain from any phuture use.
All posts pheaturing the ophending eph word have been phlagged.
All phor now...

Your phriendly, and phorgiving, phorum staph.
Careful another moderator might get you for dodging the censoring rules by deliberately misspelling offensive words ... ;) :D

Pete
 

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Lee Carter ( Mornings with Maria, FBN) was driving her 1956 Giulietta Spider in Pensacola FL when she spotted a Garage with and Alfa Romeo sign on the outside. She went inisde and found Richard Jemison.
Lee: My Alfa is running rough, do you think that you could fix it?
RJ: I expect so. Sit down and make yourself comfortable and I will take a look at it.
15 minutes later Richard returns.
RJ: your car is running nicely now
Lee: Great, what's the story
RJ: Just [email protected] in the carburettor
Lee: And how often do I need to do that?
 

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“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago… ”

“Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, “No, everything is fine.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I’m sure,” I said.

“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.

“I reckon not,” I replied.

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”
 

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Looks like the meal is winning!
 

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HAPPY NEW YEAR


WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.

If you're hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the Benny Hill theme.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me.

Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.

Nice try Jehovah's witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn't going to get me to come to the door.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.

Have I been drinking?
Clearly officer, you're no detective.

Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say **** back.

People ask me the secret of a good post. It's called "proof-reading". Perhaps you've hard of it.

Maybe I'm not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule.

Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!

Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a *******.

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

Just ONCE, I'd like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I'm shocked by your behavior.

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

You can tell a lot about a person by their autopsy.

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!"
Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.

I can't stand people who are indirect.
You know who you are.

Don't be sad, laundry.
Nobody's doing me either.

"I'd hit that."
- women drivers

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there's always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row.
I'm starting to think she really doesn't like lunch.

If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living.

Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.

"Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning."
"You mean like when we first met?"
"No, before that."

A missing 3-year-old was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police finally settled on the turtle doll.

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

It's because it's Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That's why. What Papa is doing right now is called an "autopsy". Stop crying.

"He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama, it's more of an accusation,

My therapist thinks meeting women online for sex is a bad idea.
His wife disagrees.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.

Sorry, "hella" was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I'll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.

Irish step dancing was discovered by women waiting in line to use the restroom.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Before encouraging everyone to "do whatever makes you happy," ask if anyone is a sadist.

I've discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

I'm drinking with my new girlfriend and her gay friend from work. So there's 100% chance I'am getting laid and a 50% chance I'll like it.

"Look Ma, no hands!"
-former Muslim shoplifter

Autocorrect changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.

Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down.
Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

***, neighbor? I waved to you last week.

Dance like you're not the father.

Welcome to Alzheimer's Club. I see a lot of new faces today.

Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just ****faced."

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn't for you.

You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.

My bank account has 7 figures, but 5 of them are to the right of the decimal point.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don't do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funerals.

Hey, I'm human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

"This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after."
-Inventor of the jersey

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can't part with them.
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands is fine.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'.

Woke up screaming this morning.
My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird's tail for quitting time.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you've done something creative.
Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the application form.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
"I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja."

There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and an orange apron.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.

The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, inadvertently alerting the Confederates to our presence.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying,
"Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please?"

"Let's walk barefoot on grass!"
-People who have never walked a dog

Can’t believe how dangerous the streets are becoming. Just this afternoon I stole an old ladys handbag and punched someone at a bus stop.

If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.

"Cu Later!" - a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

He died doing what he loved,
my now ex-wife.

Sir? The table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. They said it seemed very fast and impressive.

"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.

Good call inventor of glass tables. There's nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn't wear panties while I'm trying to eat.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

One time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries.

"Chill before serving" is the best advice I can think of if you're an angry waitress.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today."
Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!"
[whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."

My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.

It's cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.

I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.

*Preacher can't start lawn mower.*
Kid: You gotta cuss to start the mower.
Preacher: Surely I don’t remember how to cuss.
Kid: Keep pullin’ that rope and it’ll come back to you.

Hamburger Helper only works
if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

My short-term memory is terrible,
but it's not nearly as bad as my short-term memory.

I can tell a lot about a person
unless he pays me.

Zeppelins must've been so bummed
when people started calling them blimps.

quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime at Walmart.

Unicorns are real,
they are just fat and we call them rhinos.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

One of my "100 things to do before you die" would definitely be "call an ambulance".

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Sometimes my kid likes me, but I'm pretty sure it's only because I'm his Oreo dealer.

That fart voided the warranty on our couch.

The chief qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I'm only going to have a small slice.

And then one day you realize you're older and fatter than old fat Elvis.

Never buy a used dream catcher from the flea market near a mental hospital.

He died doing what she loved: telling someone the difference between your and you're.

"ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE, LOL!"
-Captain of the Titanic

Don't commit suicide by jumping off a building or they might report it as a parkour accident.

The guy in charge of naming the bagpipes definitely just took one look at it and gave up.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages.

“Yo momma is so ugly, I had to invent a device that allows me to converse without looking at her.”
– Alexander G. Bell

It's called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Gonna start a matchmaking site for very old people called Carbon Dating.

If I was a detective, my main suspect would always be the person who returns to the scene of the crime AND is eating a Klondike bar.

Scientists are now saying they may never discover what LinkedIn is for.

"Eat **** and die!"
- Fly teaching his son about life

I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.

Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light.
Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

If "Kiss me" doesn't work, "I'm Irish" isn't gonna get you any closer.

I've quit my new job as a postman.....
.....they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
"This isn't for me."

The only way an ice cream sandwich could get any better is if it was shaped like a titty.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My mother-in-law.

Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

I like my women like I like my Pistachio nuts. Easy to get inside or else I'll just move onto the next.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I'M DRUNK, NOT DEAF!

Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!

Another day done. Time to kick back and second-guess every social interaction I had at work.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

So far it’s been an, “I look okay enough to go to Walmart but not to go to Target” kind of day.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

I wanna get rid of this memory foam mattress, but it knows too much.

Saw two jeeps crash into each other today. There were Dave Matthews Band CD’s everywhere.

Sorry, science, but religion promised me a place where I'll get to hang out with Grandma again.

A wise man once said...
absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then was able to have sex afterward.

I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realized he'd picked up every time.

In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing Mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

I asked mom once how she knew dad was "the one".
"because," she replied, "DNA tests don't lie."

God said: ''Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."

"This is ********"
- enthusiastic manure salesman

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don't want to be there.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

I like to date younger women because women my age expect a man to have his **** together by now.

A new BBC documentary accuses Hitler of millions of dollars worth of tax evasion. Man, the more I learn about this guy, the less I like him!

The cheetah is the fastest land mammal right after a politician backpedaling about an opinion he didn't want the public to know about.

Interesting story. I will now find a way to relate your story to something in my life so I can start talking about me again.

I wish people's voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.

My wife says I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!

The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?

My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me.
That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.

If jail isn't supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?

If you like someone and don't know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you're cute.

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.

I tried cooking with wine once,
but after four glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

I don't have a bucket list,
but I got a ****-it list a mile and a half long.

I was in Ferguson, got jumped by 5 black guys.
Car started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.

My wife is a big tennis fan, tells me how disgusting she finds the constant grunting during the women's matches.
I promised her I'd try to stop.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,
but you'll never convince me that a chicken fried this rice.

I was making a sandwich when I thought to myself
"So, there IS a downside to divorce."
 

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"Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations."
 

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ciao, chris
 

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My newly invented joke

Hi guys. This is an original joke which I recently invented. I would like to get your ratings from 0 to 10. Seriously, here goes

Recently, I went for lunch with my young secretary. She suggested we try out this small pizzeria newly opened close-by. We eventually got seated and we both ordered their specialty pizza. I found the pizza and especially the dough very good. I told my secretary that. She eagerly explained that the owners brought the leaven from Italy and that the original leaven was a family secret which was handed down from generation to generation for over 103 years. Curious me, I asked how she managed to bring the leaven from Italy. Well, she exclaimed, they had to take special precautions, you know, because the leaven is a live orgasm.

So what you think? Cheers, James
 

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Hi guys. This is an original joke which I recently invented. I would like to get your ratings from 0 to 10. Seriously, here goes

Recently, I went for lunch with my young secretary. She suggested we try out this small pizzeria newly opened close-by. We eventually got seated and we both ordered their specialty pizza. I found the pizza and especially the dough very good. I told my secretary that. She eagerly explained that the owners brought the leaven from Italy and that the original leaven was a family secret which was handed down from generation to generation for over 103 years. Curious me, I asked how she managed to bring the leaven from Italy. Well, she exclaimed, they had to take special precautions, you know, because the leaven is a live orgasm.

So what you think? Cheers, James
IMO, not very funny in times of autocorrect and Google translate -- I didn't even chuckle.
 

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Hi guys. This is an original joke which I recently invented. I would like to get your ratings from 0 to 10. Seriously, here goes



Recently, I went for lunch with my young secretary. She suggested we try out this small pizzeria newly opened close-by. We eventually got seated and we both ordered their specialty pizza. I found the pizza and especially the dough very good. I told my secretary that. She eagerly explained that the owners brought the leaven from Italy and that the original leaven was a family secret which was handed down from generation to generation for over 103 years. Curious me, I asked how she managed to bring the leaven from Italy. Well, she exclaimed, they had to take special precautions, you know, because the leaven is a live orgasm.



So what you think? Cheers, James


Probably have to be a pizza joint owner to get the most out of it. Don’t give up, keep trying, your on the right track.

Thanks for posting!
 
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