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My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually, so today I drove past the gym.
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I just got home from work and found my wife on a porn site. I'm going to speak to her about it when she gets home.

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Dating tip for men:
When your girlfriend asks for your view on porn, the correct response should not be "widescreen HD."

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My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.

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To: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization where it monitors all other
system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
selected.
I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does
not work on this program.
Can you help me?

Mike Jones

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To: Mr. Jones

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly
due to a primary misconception.
Many men upgrade from
Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
"UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from
the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize
button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

-- Tech Support
 

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A young girl leaves home to attend an out-of-state University. After a few months, she sends her father a letter complaining about the long distances between the campus buildings, which occasionally caused her to be late for class. She was sure a bicycle would solve the problem, but she could not afford one.

With her birthday only a few weeks off, her father sends her $100 as a gift, urging her to buy the bike that she wanted.

But between the time of her first letter, and when her father’s birthday gift arrived, the girl had decided that she was very lonely being away from home and what she needed more than anything was a pet. She found a darling little money at a local pet store for $100, which she bought with her birthday money.

Things were going well, and her new companion proved to be quite comforting, but suddenly the little monkey became listless and began losing its hair. After just a few weeks, the poor thing was completely hairless, and shivered constantly. Worried, the girl wrote to her father, “Daddy, all the hair has fallen off my monkey! What should I do?”

Via return mail her father instructed “Sell the bicycle!”
 

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A man comes home from work one day, and while hanging his jacket in the closet he notices a shoebox on the top shelf that he had not seen before. He pulled the box down and removed the lid. Inside he found $1,500 and 3 eggs.

Puzzled, he summoned his wife. “Honey, what’s this strange box in the closet all about?”

His wife explained, “Oh my, I forgot to put that away. I’m sorry you had to find that.”

“But I don’t understand” protested the husband.

“Well dear, 15 years ago when we were first married, I decided that every time you were lousy in bed, I would put an egg in that box - to see how things went.”

The husband mulled this over for a moment and thought, wow - only three eggs after 15 years – not too shabby… Then he said “Okay, that explains the eggs, but where did the $1,500 come from?”

“Well,” said his wife, “each time there was a dozen eggs in the box I sold them”.
 

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A guy goes to a costume party only wearing a pair of jeans no shirt no shoes.. The girl at the front door told him he can't come in with out a costume.. He replies , I am in a costume , I am a premature ejaculation. I just come in my jeans .
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Can anyone tell me what concise means ?

Please be short, brief and to the point.

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In an effort to be a gentleman,
I held the door open for my wife. Shortly after she said, "Would you please get lost while I'm taking a **** ?"
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My wife can speak two languages - English and body.

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I tried to order some tennis balls on the Internet, but the site kept crashing. Must be having problems with their server.
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A dwarf was pickpocketed the other day. How could someone stoop so low ?
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My GF and I are going to a Halloween party tonight completely naked except she'll be wearing cowboy boots and I'll be on roller skates. She's going as PussNBoots, and I'm going as a pull toy.
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White smoke from under the hood…
either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
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We’re under a tornado warning, I'm afraid to open the windows, don't want any sharks in my house.
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I thought you'd be flattered… that my dog found your leg so attractive.
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This cat is walking a very fine line... between being cute and being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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My mother-in-law is in the hospital. They say she's not looking too good. No word on her condition yet, though.
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Lawyer: "Doctor ! Doctor !
Why do I feel sick every time I stand up to talk to the judge ?"
Doctor: "Sounds like motion sickness to me."
 

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I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a frickin' optician."
 

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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
 

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A guy is sitting on a plane waiting for the flight to finish boarding, hoping as usual that a fat guy is not going to be sitting next to him. He spots a beautiful woman walking down the aisle. Sure enough, she sits next to him. A couple of minutes into the flight he tries to break the ice by asking her where she's heading to. She replies that she's heading to a nymphomaniac conference, she's the keynote speaker. Now he really can't believe his luck.

Rendered a little speechless, he finally gets up the courage to ask about the topic of her speech. "False stereotypes about men and sex" she replies. He asks for some examples. "Well," she says "most people think that African-American men are the most well-endowed, but statistically speaking, that's not true. Actually, Native American men are the most well endowed. And most people think French men make the best lovers, but our research shows it's really Jewish men."

"Interesting," he replies. "Anything else?" She thinks a bit and adds "we're now in the middle of a study and it's looking like, for reasons we're not sure, that rednecks have the most stamina." She hesitates and says "here I am going on and on and I don't even know your name." He stutters a bit but says "ummm.... Tonto... Tonto Goldberg, but my friends call me Bubba."
 

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The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone
asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do
they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?"
is inversely proportional to the severity of the s**t storm that's
coming.

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'
....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I
need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week;
whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
..This is upsetting news to me......I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older
women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider.  Just so I can
finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
 

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Speaking of condoms... the new stealth condom works well. She'll never see you coming. ciao, chris
 

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A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his *** while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.
 

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I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend
of mine who needs some help who wishes to remain anonymous.
His wife told him to go out and get
some of those pills that would
help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him? He lives in OK
 

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards and a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon or vanilla scents.
 

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards and a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon or vanilla scents.
All I can think of is the joke that ends:
"No, you are HER punishment!"
 

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I'm reminded of the line from Pryor he quipped during a fight with his wife which became heated. "fine, I'm going out and finding some new p#$$ie" She retorted "If you were 2 inches "more", you find plenty here".

ciao, chris
 
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