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I was told to put Lulu jokes here...since he is one ..Hey how's Nicole?

 

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I bet after that female NFL ref throws a flag, they'll ask her what they did wrong and she'll say..."Nothing."
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Whoa, wait a minute... so those stick figures on your car aren't for pedestrians you ran over?
D*mn it! *starts scraping the stickers off*
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza...
and that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make for love.
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Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good...and they will slowly kill you.
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Shoutout to Batman... for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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Listen, I'll play that funky music if you ask me in a nice, non-derogatory way.
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I just dozed off for a minute and woke up freaking out because I thought I missed my exit.
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This guy gave me the weirdest look when I flushed his urinal for him. It's like people have no concept of manners anymore.~
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This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.
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Dad always said "Time to hit the sack!" before bed.
Not sure how getting punched in the testicles helped him sleep, but that was just dad.
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I was late for a meeting traveling to West Virginia. I forgot to reset my watch to the mid 1800s.

(DISCLAIMER: The joke author decided on W Va, Change it to any state you want.)
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If Hillary is elected president, then it will be the first time two presidents had sex with each other.
 

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It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please?"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement:

"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the
men's tee, please!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled,

"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back.... "Would the [email protected] with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot?!"
 

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A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says,

"No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
 

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Leonardo da Vinci International Airport ,Italy - The Italians are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but
will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Italy sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of
this junk about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of
long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
"Attention to all standby passengers, Alitalia is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 115 to London... Ciao!"




.
 

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A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

***************

Bill Clinton, Cheney and Sarah Palin go to see the Wizard.

"I want a brain" Palin says.

Cheney steps forward, "I would like a new heart.."

Clinton: "Where's Dorothy?"

****************


My wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch car racing all day. She yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do."

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."

***************

Never eat ice cream while chatting online.

New girlfriend: why are you typing so slowly

Me: well my other hand is busy.

She hasn’t replied yet...

**************

The baby gets upset when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.

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"Are you a programmer?"

Not really. Me is more of an amateur grammar.

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Internet daters have it so easy.

Back in my day, a man would walk uphill, both ways, in the snow to disappoint a woman.

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Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

*************

Husband and wife.....

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

*************

How many seconds are there in an hour?

About eight when I take my wife to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

*************

My wife is allergic to peanuts.

She breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my paycheck.

**************

 

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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
 

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After I found out my tailor had been sleeping with my wife I screamed, "I don't ever want to see you again." He replied, "Fine, suit yourself."

*********

You can tell a lot about a woman
by the way she throws a toaster at you.


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No, you can't have candy for breakfast.

Don't be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

********

Currently helping my wife…

look for her favorite vase that I threw out a month ago.

********

Taking my wife to Home Depot...

so she can pick out a new door to slam.
 

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Fellas Watch out for this one!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc.
This is the first warning I have seen for men.. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A heads up for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say No but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also December 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99c at the two dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 4Kg just running back and forth from Bunnings, to Mitre 10, to K-Mart etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) Please take this seriously and pass on to other old farts.
 

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WD-40 ad from the 60's

I don't think I've posted this here before. The amount of humor you get out of it depends on how dirty your mind is.
 

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First World War as if it was a Bar Fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a whole new suit because of the new beer stains on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in doing so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that its sufficiently out of order that Britain not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action anymore.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.....
 

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