Alfa Romeo Forums banner

601 - 620 of 748 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.





Based on pick up truck commercials, I really should be getting into the crumbled rock industry.
*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
~
I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,871 Posts
The link on that picture says "Report this image". Do I need to report a fat chick in a bikini, or did someone already take care of that?!?!

"I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games"
--I don't know... let's ask mum:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
"Report this image" I guess knot..it's still there :surprise:


let's ask mum:.....LMFAO how did you find that
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,871 Posts
let's ask mum:.....LMFAO how did you find that
My son, the doctor, showed it to me. It was on Netflix then, but they pulled it maybe a couple of years ago. Your line about eye patch and fun and games reminded me of it. I played a hunch that it might be on youtube now... and what do you know! There it is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
~
Tired of being fat and pasty?
Put tanning bed lights in your refrigerator.
~
I pay a monthly membership fee that lets me think about going to a gym.
~
"Have you tried turning her off and then on again?"
- Sexual Tech Support
~
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there's really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
~
I can't watch porn with a story line cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long.
~
I'm glad George Washington didn't live long enough to see his face printed out and rubbed on the *** of every stripper.
~
Went to India and let me tell you,I've never seen so many taxi drivers in my life! They work in restaurants, banks even in hospitals over there.
~
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,871 Posts
~
I pay a monthly membership fee that lets me think about going to a gym.
~
Crap.
I just figured out what the recurring $20 charge is in my bank statement every month!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
Dumb Laws in Alabama


Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
~
Incestuous marriages are legal.
~
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
~
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
~
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
~
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
~
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
~
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
~
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
~
Masks may not be worn in public.
~
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of spooking horses.
~
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
~`
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
~
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
~
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
~
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
A distraught patient phoned his doctor's office. "Is it true", the man wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told him. There was a moment of silence before the man continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ''NO REFILLS."








I'm on pills like that and found that one very funny
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
~
There are more men than women in mental hospitals.............. which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.
~
My wife asked this morning,
"How come you don't wake up with an erection? I said, "because you're the woman of my dreams."
~
I just bought a guard dog and he's really good. I haven't been able to get in my house for the past three days.
~
I went to see a psychic yesterday. He said, "What's your name?
I said, "I want my money back."
~
Know what the two pessimists did when they first met? They shook their heads.
~
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.-
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
If I had a time machine... I would go back to certain conversations with my ex wife to see if she really said the things that she insists I forgot.
*
I'm boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*
Here Dr. Banner, eat a Snickers
*
Don't tell me about your drinking problem...until you've tried to start a conga line at a funeral.
*
The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.
*
Ok I get it now....When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant, but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense.
*

Doctor: "We got your test results back." "I'm so sorry but...it's Curiosity."

Cat: "Oh my god..."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.

In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.

The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.

Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely farm where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this farm for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.

Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.

Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.

In the morning the widow made them an enormous breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come collect their car.

When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.

Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.

About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.

"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"

"Yes, Ted. I remember that."

"And Bob, do you remember that very kindly widow that took us in for the night?"

"Well of course I remember her Ted."

"Well Bob, I have to ask you something."

"Ok Ted."

"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"

Yes Ted, I did."

"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"

"I did Ted."

"Did you and the widow make love Bob?"

"Yes, we did Ted"

"Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"

"I did Ted. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Ted...."

"Oh, that's ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
*
Just watched two of my kids try and fail to open a cereal box so I've concluded that playing Mozart during pregnancy is bullsh!t.
*
The neck pillow I was using on the Greyhound bus turned out to be an adult diaper somebody left on the seat.
*
"Be there in 5."

- liars
*
Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.
*
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are really smart and super rich, I’m kind of disappointed with Bill Gates.
*
Mr. Rogers misled kids by making them believe that running into people you know is good.
*

Whoever put the 'b' in subtle was a clever bastard.
*
Whoever put the "s" in "lisp" was a mean bastard.
*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
I come from a long line of people waiting to get in.
~
I've never even come close to having someone at "Hello".
~
Blind people think women's tennis is porn.
~
I gave my keys to the Taco Bell valet when I showed up and now he's nowhere to be seen.
~
I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market, armed with nothing but a bag of gluten.
~
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website.
That lying b!tch isn't “fun to be around”.
~
Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven't had a witch attack in over 200 years.
~
I'm always skeptical of twins because it's rare I like even one of a person.
~
I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.
~
I'm looking for a new nursing home for my mother. Something without phones or access to postage stamps.
~
I bet the first thing that happens after you die is you get charged some sort of fee.
~
To avoid identity theft, when I die I want to be shredded.
~
I hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.
~
I don’t know why I bother going to the gym when I am so good at Photoshop.
~
I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
~
Imagine how much self-control the people who make bubble wrap must have.
~
I bet The Flintstones make those guys at PETA furious.
~
I just found some of my long lost relatives from Alabama on incestry.com.
~
An Adam Sandler movie marathon is more difficult than a real marathon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
Alfaveloce: Did you find a job?

ARwrench: Yeah. I got a job at a strip club helping the girls backstage to dress and undress.

Alfaveloce: How much?

ARwrench: Two hundred bucks a week.

Alfaveloce: That’s not much.

ARwrench: It’s all I could afford.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to have a talk with her. She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria replied, "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."

The wife asked, "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria replied, "Jor huzban, he say so."

The wife retorted, "Oh, yeah?"

Maria continued, "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

The wife snorted, "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria replied, "Jor hozban did."

The wife, increasingly agitated, "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria said smugly, "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

The wife, really boiling now, said through clinched teeth, "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria replied, "No Señora. The gardener did."

The wife asked, "So, how much do you want?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping just short of the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this inconvenience. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've learned so much from my mistakes,
I'm thinking of making a few more.

~
Grandma's estate sale was a huge success...

I made over $3000 just from her leftover pills!

~
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
An oldie...always tell the truth


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course, child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me…under your robe, perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you… I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

“And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date…unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
The Royal Canadian Mint
has just announced they are going to remove
the polar bear from the 'Toonie' (two dollars)
in view of its demise with global warming.



In the height of political correctness,
they will replace it with two gayish deer.



Instead of calling it a "toonie",
it will now be called "two [email protected] bucks."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
In sign language...
the story of my life can be told through a series of face-palms.
*
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself.
*
Apparently towels are the leading cause of dry skin.
*
9 out of 10 guys like girls with big boobs.
The 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.
*
Boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume.
*
The Miss Universe Pageant is obviously rigged.
The winner is always from Earth.
*
Still no cure for natural causes.
*
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy or the best looking guy, but...oh hell, now I'm depressed.
*
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them.
The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever.
*
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
*
How's college supposed to prepare you for the real world? All it does is make you tired and stressed out and anxious and never mind I get it.
*
i don't always watch soft core porn,
but when i do i watch XX. stay horny my friends.
*
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX.
*
My face is so oily I'm afraid the U.S. is going to invade it.
*
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
*
A man walks into a bar all distressed...
He looks at the bartender and say please give me 5 shots of whiskey.
The bartender noting something was wrong asks what the problem is.
"I just found out my brother is gay, and I'm here to drown my sorrows."
A couple nights later the same guy comes in hanging his head and orders another 5 shots.
Bartender asks what's wrong this time?
"I just found out my other brother is gay too. So, once again, I'm here to drown my sorrows."
Few nights later the same guy walks into the bar hanging his head again. Before he can even order the bartender looks at him and says "for Christ sake doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my sister! Set me up again!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
for alfaveloce.... : wink

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car when they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am", Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, *******!", shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,317 Posts
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims : “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says “If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile : “If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex.”

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said : “[email protected] him.”
 
601 - 620 of 748 Posts
Top