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To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****?"
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"No", she replied, "But my cucumbers are enormous".
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"OK, but be careful not to fall in that big f*cking hole in the floor."
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She was so convincing, Bill actually hit on her.
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"Naw, I couldn't find her head."
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The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."
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The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
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And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
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He says, "The sex is about the same, but the laundry is piling up!"
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The gas station attendant replied, "The last time I saw Billy he was headed north with a black man tied to the roof of his car."
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"I don't have arthritis", the drunk said, "But I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
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She said, "Pretty tight huh?"
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The little girl replied, "Because he likes to f*ck pigs!"
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The guy says, "Well, go wash your hands, b!tch, I'd like a cheese sandwich".
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"No", says Johnny, "But I was too ashamed to mention that he's a lawyer."
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A: Because it makes their noses look smaller.
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The guy answered, "I just saw my wife on roller skates."
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Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"
 

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^ONLY 2 :surprise:


here's a few ...some of the others are a TOS


Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****."

~

A man calls 911 and says:

"I think my wife is dead."

The operator says:

"How do you know?"

He says:

"The sex is about the same, but the laundry is piling up!"
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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor
who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my
tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the
same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping
for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out?
Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing, left-wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited hooker!

"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!'

"And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
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A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”

"Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

"I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.
~
A guy walks into a bar. Joan Rivers is the barmaid. There's a sign behind the bar that reads: Handjobs - $10 Cheese Sandwich - $1.50 The guy asks Joan, "Are you the one giving the handjobs?" To which she replies, "Yes, I am". The guy says, "Well, go wash your hands, *****, I'd like a cheese sandwich"....
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Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven."

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her." So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife a lot." He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates."
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Hilary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hilary said to Janet, ‘You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last put his pecker.’
Janet responded, ‘Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ‘politically correct’ for being ****in buck ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.’
Hillary asked, ‘Well,... how do you deal with the problem..?’
‘Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.’
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts all day, and she was so ready for him..!
She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting wet, squelchy, sounding fart you could ever imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, ‘Janet, is that you..?’
 

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Upon winning the Super Bowl, Tom Brady was awarded a new Chevy Pickup. Before driving it he asked that 2 lbs of air pressure be taken out of each tire.
 

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Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
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The guy who invented the umbrella meant to call it a brella, but he hesitated.
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My favorite winter activity is pizza.
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Not only do I refuse to take the stairs up to my office, when I'm in the elevator I wish there was a chair in it.
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Piñatas are a great way to teach children...
that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
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Kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks...

to the alligators.
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Is there an app... to delete your number out of other people's phones yet?
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Someone needs to teach drug sniffing dogs about the whole "man's best friend" thing.
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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
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In a parallel universe...nobody can park
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If it's the thought that counts... then I should probably be in jail.
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A girl on vacation headed for the hotel roof for some sun. On her first day up there she wore a bathing suit but since there was nobody around, on the second day she removed it in order to acquire an all-over tan. She was lying on her stomach when she heard someone running up the stairs. She quickly pulled a towel over her and was confronted by the assistant hotel manager.
"Excuse me," he said. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunning yourself on the roof, but we would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What's the problem?" she asked. "No one can see me up here."
"That's not quite true," he replied. "You're lying on the dining-room skylight."
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It gets kinda awkward when you're stuck in the middle of a couple starting a full blown argument right in front of you.
They could have at least waited for me to pull my pants up and leave the bedroom first.
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I paid my last dues to the wife today.
I finally came to an agreement with an assassin.
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Schizophrenia affects 6 out 3 people
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I woke up this morning and said to my wife,
"that was amazing last night, were you faking it?"
"No" she replied, "I really was asleep!"
~
Yesterday, a judge urged transvaginal mesh makers and the women suing them to work harder to resolve the thousands of open lawsuits.
Said the judge, “My stomach can’t take too much more of this testimony.”
~
 

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My computer crashed...
now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
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If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials,
it’s that only attractive people take showers.
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It is much easier to hula hoop with an erection.
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My GF must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn't finished it.
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30+ and single? There's an app for that.
Wait..... My mistake. A cat.
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Never try to pay a prostitute with chocolate covered ice cream.
Apparently, there ARE limits to what someone will do for a Klondike Bar.
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday
'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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I just want a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel
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I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
 

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Got bit by a mosquito yesterday

Found out it checked into the Betty Ford clinic this morning.


 

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I never know whether to screw up my taxes myself ......
or hire a professional to do it.
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I like long walks along the beach...
until the drugs wear off and I realize I'm actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site.
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When my cousin came out as gay...
his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist. Which was too bad for him because he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
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I lost a good friend today...
he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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For Valentine’s Day, I’m taking my wife... to see “50 Shades of Gray”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
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It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
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No one ever mentions the 1000 miles of trouble free luxury cruising before the iceberg.
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Fun Fact: It is annoying that some people think facts are fun.
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You'll know it's true love when you're in your late 30s and have no other options.
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I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
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I always tell my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
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When most people say, “I’m on a diet,”
what they mean is, “I eat exactly as much as I normally do, but now I feel guilty about it.”
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If you love dictionaries so much why don't you Merriam
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To keep things interesting in the bedroom, try bringing in a second laptop
*
 

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What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

I'll watch this till I get an answer ...........:grin2:

 

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The good thing about getting to be my age...
If you don't remember telling a good joke, you get to tell it again...
*
Woman are like used cars...
Cheap to pick up, Expensive to maintain...
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I am a man of letters.
They're cease and desist letters, but still.
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying, "Hey, at least he died doing what he loved"
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How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
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"You the bomb" "No you the bomb"
-A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
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I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
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"I've turned over a new leaf"
~ me explaining to the nissan salesman that I had an accident on the test drive.
 

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Just saw the coolest magic trick!

Ticketmaster turned a $55 concert ticket into $238.50.
~

If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.

~

Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks.
 

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...


She looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a ****? "
 

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Some one asked me "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

I said "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."


 

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Apparently when your girlfriend asks which of her friends you would like to have a threesome with, you are only supposed to say one name.
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I'm old enough to remember when there was only one fat kid in class photos.
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When I first got my puppy

I called him Barky Bark.

Now he's grown up, so he's just Bark Wahlberg.

*** sanger.dk ***
 

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Four guys have been going walleye fishing together on the opener for many years.

Two days before the season opens, John's wife Paula puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's fishing buddies were pretty upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the lake cabin only to find John sitting there with four drinks set up! "Wow John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and Paula came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So... Here I am!"
 

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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex's car.
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Holmes: "I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?"

Watson: "No, **** Sherlock"
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I was asked how I view Les bian relationships.
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
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As I looked into her eyes...

I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
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Liam Neeson struggles with being unappreciated: Taken 4: Granted
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A couple of my friends stopped drinking with the help of yoga. So I found new friends with the help of drinking.
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Remember when you were young and you'd pretend rugs were magic carpets? I was drunk and on my roof last night...anyways, it doesn't work.
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My gf and I are dieting now... and by dieting, I mean we're not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
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I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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I know two wrongs don't make a right.
But how many does it take? I'm on like 756...
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn't have pulled over, if I'd known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
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If you are considering marriage, you are either at the end of your rope, or should be ...
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A young couple are talking ...

"Honey, before we get married, I want to confess all of my affairs."

"But darling," she replied, "you already did that. Two weeks ago."

"Yes, but that was two weeks ago."
~
A couple in a big box electronics store are about to buy a curved HDTV, so the salesman wraps up his pitch.

"You folks," he said, "will only pay a tiny bit down, and then you'll pay nothing for six months."

"Ill be damed!" said the man, "So, how did you find out?"
~
An older woman came home one night to find her daughter in bed with a vibrator.
"What on earth are you doing?" shrieked the mother. The daughter said: "Mom, I'm 42 years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. It's the twenty-first century. Give me a break!"
The mother shook her head and left the room.
The next day the father walked in on the daughter and he too found her with the vibrator.
"What's going on?" he demanded.
"Dad," she sighed. "I'm 42 years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. This is the twenty-first century. Give me a break, please!"
The father shook his head and left the room.
That night, the mother went into the kitchen and found the father sitting at the table, with a beer in one had and the vibrator in the other.
"What are you doing with that?" she demanded.
"Leave me alone," he said. "Can't a guy have a beer with his son-in-law?"

 

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As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which seems to include more women as our physicians.
I was recently referred to a young urologist who was extremely attractive.
She told me that I immediately needed to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she replied "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
 
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