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Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."
 

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend.

I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
 

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Marion Barry, the former drug smoking Mayor of Washington DC died recently.

The Funeral was unusual. Instead of a regular grave, they'll just slide him through a Crack.

Dadum Dah
(back to my Day job!)
 

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Does anybody know...
how many toddlers you have to bring to "Toys For Tots" before you're eligible for an Xbox?




I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career...
...
Dear Autocorrect, She's an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks, now I'm never getting laid!
...
Well well well, if it isn't the problems I keep running away from.
...
My ex-wife said she had left me due to my obsession with dumb people.
I was completely lost for words.

...
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
...
My favorite sci-fi this year is... the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.
...
My daughter said she was in a memoir.
I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war.
......
My teenage daughter had been talking on her cell phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!,"I said, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours or more. What happened?"

"Wrong number," she replied .



and now for the talent part of our show.......:thumbup:


 

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Seth Rogen and James Franco...having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
****
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet,Pineapple Express,Knocked Up,The Guilt Trip,.............?
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We should teach North Korea a lesson and send them Seth Rogen and James Franco.
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How do I disable the auto correct function on my wife?
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Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.
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If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car who pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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The only real difference between my 20s and 30s than now is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
****



:oops:
 

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I can't top that. Well, I can but I'd be in more trouble than I already am!

Hope everyone's Christmas was a merry one. Happy new year!
 

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Went to Starbucks

******* in front of me ordered a blah, blah mocha blah, blah.
Barista: I'm sorry sir, we're out of mocha.

*******: blah, blah, get me a latte.
Barista: Name?
*******: Bruce

NEXT!

Me: Cup of Tea, please.
Barista: Name?
Me: mocha

~~~
I had a small project to do at my house and decided to use a step-ladder. I don't really get along with my real ladder.

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Employer: So, do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Applicant: Absolutely. I've had six different jobs in the past year.

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I recently ate at a new restaurant named The Moon. The food was good but there was no atmosphere.

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When does a woman enjoy a man's company? ...When he owns it.

~~~

Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Johnny: I want to follow in my father's footsteps and be a policeman.
Teacher: I didn't know your father was a policeman.
Johnny: He isn't, he's a burglar.

~~~

.... I went to a really tough high school. We had our own coroner.
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A Texan is in France when he sees the Eiffel Tower. He asks the tour guide, "How many barrels a day do you get out of her?".
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Customer: How do you prepare your chicken?
Waiter: We just tell them straight out they're going to die.
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... I went to see a psychiatrist. I told her I might be a sex addict. She said that she could help me and informed me that she charged $175 per hour. I asked her how much for all night?
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Sororities: Because affluent white girls need gangs too.
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Water Polo: A sport that's just one shark away from being the best sport on the planet.
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
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I once went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
~~~

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana.

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Boudreaux’s neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, They were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic.”

Boudreaux’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: “You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.”

~~~
Alfa mechanic price list guide :clap: :thumbup::eek::taz:




https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152206600851297
 

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Showers

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.:whistling:
 

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Anyone from Fla.?
Winner Of Radio Contest Will Have Foursome With These Pornstars | UNILAD

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"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous
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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
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Our names look so cute together... in this restraining order.
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I'll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons...but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?
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I clean my house like everyone else.
Completely...5 minutes before someone comes over.
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, "Wow! That guy must be really blind."
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I keep having to remind myself that an "oral history" is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.
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It's that time of year when I really love my tax deductions...uhhhh kids, I mean kids!
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The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
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Those "said no one ever" jokes are pretty funny said no one ever.
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They're making gluten free communion wafers now.
I guess they represent the beach-body of Christ.
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The bible says...you can't buy your way into heaven, but there isn't a church in the country that doesn't encourage you to try.
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One time I asked, "What would Jesus do?".
That's the same day I almost drowned.
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I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
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I remember when my ex-wife had laryngitis

...fondly.
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Lowercase letters: just like uppercase letters, but without the drama.
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The neighbourhood watch is having a meeting about the creepy guy...and I'm the only one not invited?
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"The way to a man's heart is thru his stomach"
At least that's what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
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Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors:

"I ain't had no fun in months"

"Now, how should I correct this sentence?"

"Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny.
~


 

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Sometimes I wish... ...that I could put my GF on airplane mode.
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My Labrador Retriever has yet to retrieve a single Labrador.
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Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you get there faster too.
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My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
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Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep
...but once a month it's shark week.
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Wow my neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen.
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My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything, but my ex-wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen.
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After years of commercials... I still have no idea what a "Go Daddy" is.
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I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers,
but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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My neighbors listen to great music... whether they like it or not.
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They say your memory is the first thing to....... something...
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Found out at today's staff meeting that I have sleep apnea.
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Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing,
There was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market'
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My GF said "you treat this place like a hotel".
She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for

"'rude staff'"!
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One of the keys to success is to work harder than an ugly stripper.
~
Tony Verna, the inventor of instant replay,

died Sunday at the age of 81.

“Thanks for nothing,” said Dez Bryant.
~


~

............That's all I have to say about that





.
.
 

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When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
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If you thought accidentally sexting your parents was embarrassing, wait until they return the favor.
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My only real long term goal... is to never end up on Maury.
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I wonder what my future wife is doing right now.
Hopefully modeling.
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Kids today don't know what hardship is.
When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
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"Very clearly cats were sacred to them." :Future archeologists who discovers the Internet.
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I tried oscillating once. ......Not a fan.
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Sometimes I think those Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
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Thousands are attacked by sea creatures every year.
We here at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You're welcome!
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The gift of gab...
doesn't feel like a gift when it’s been given to your spouse.
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Ladies, if your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it's probably because you haven't told him what they are yet.
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My girl friend absconded from me as a result of my impulsion to utilize a synonym reference book upon the entirety of my colloquy.
*
What's the difference between Family Guy and Keeping up with the Kardashians?
There's only one dog in the Griffin family.
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A wise man once told me.....
"You are a fool if you can't think of your own quotes".
*

Laundry teaches kids racism.


*
They say you're likely to meet your future wife at a wedding.
I hope that's true. I'm not that keen on the one I'm marrying this weekend.
*
*
My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."
At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"
"Give me an example," she replied.
"Well, while I was screwing you last night, I was thinking about your friend."
*
An atheist was fishing in Scotland one day when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. The boat capsized and the man was flung from the boat. As he flew towards the monster's open mouth, he screamed; "Oh God, help me!"
Immediately everything was frozen in place. The ferocious attack stopped and the atheist was left suspended in mid-air. A booming voice came down from the sky: "I thought you didn't believe in me!"
"Come on God, give me a break," said the man. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"
*
17,000 atheists in the Middle East rioted this week after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.
*

*
I bought my wife a new cardigan with the words
'My Favorite Sweater' on the front.
She's still is sulking for some reason.
*
I was passing by the bar on the way home from
work when I saw my best friend Simon gulping down one shot after another.

"Si, what's going on?", I asked.

"It's my wife, Claire", Simon replied. "She ran off with my best friend!"

"Hey wait a second!", I asked, "Aren't I your best friend?"

"Not any more", Simon said with a happy smile.

"He is!!"
*
What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow?


Run over.

*
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of
you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell
us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an
enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the

congregation, and said: "I outlived the *****es."

 

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My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up.
Clearly I've failed to teach him our family's proper role in the psychiatric process.
*
Lying about my age has gotten easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
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I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It's giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
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The yogurt aisle is so confusing now. It's all Greek to me.
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What do I give the woman who has everything?
Well, my phone number for a start.
*
I failed my Politics exam.
"Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".
Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
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It's sad when your best friends get remarried and you know it'll be another 2-5 years before they're single and ready to hang out again.
*
The journey of 1,000 miles begins with <
"Daaaaad I have to peeeeee"
*
An impoverished farmer and his wife were lying in bed when he leaned over and started to rub her breasts. "If only these would give milk," he sighed, "we could get rid of the cows."
Then he began massaging her butt. "If only this would lay eggs, he said, " we could get rid of the chickens."
At this, she leaned across and started to rub his penis. "If only this would get hard more often," she said, "we could get rid of the farmhand!"
*
The owner of a drugstore arrived at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner went inside and asked his clerk what the story was.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explained. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
The owner replied, "You idiot, laxatives won’t cure a cough."
"Sure does," the clerk said, pointing to the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."
*
A man and a woman had just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary and were heading up to bed for some marital bliss.

On the way up the stairs, the woman glanced at the pictures of their children and thought about how much she loved her life.

Once they got to the bedroom, the man turned off the lights and carried his wife to bed.

Mid-coitus the woman realized that in their twenty years married (and the prior years dating) she had never seen her husband naked. Perplexed by this realization, she used a brief lull in the action to turn the lamp on.
Click!
The man was wearing a strap-on instrument. The two froze, sharing a strangely intimate moment of shock and confusion.

Finally, the man cleared his throat, "I can explain the toy if you can explain the kids."
*
If I'm ever found dead on some jogging trail,
Please let the cops know my body was dumped there and I was killed elsewhere.
*
Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering a hot dog in a bun made out of fried chicken.
It’s part of KFC’s new My Life Has No Value Meal.
*
According to a new study, women should wait until after sex to urinate, because peeing beforehand may lead to a urinary tract infection.

“Well, there is a third option,” said R Kelly.
*
The Egyptian Museum in Cairo acknowledged on Saturday that it was forced to glue the mask of King Tutankhamen back together after its beard broke off.
“Luckily for me, I can only lose my beard through divorce,” said John Travolta.
*
...Now an oldie

An old man and a preacher are playing golf one day, when the old man hits his ball into a creek.
"S**t, I missed," he says.
"You really shouldn't talk like that," the preacher responds, "God is always watching."
The old man apologizes and the two continue their game.
A few holes later, the man gets his ball stuck in a tree.
"S**t, I missed."
"Sir, God does not tolerate potty-mouths like that."
"Preacher," the old man responds, "I'm 74 years old. I've fought in the war, watched my brother die of cancer, and lost my wife to a car wreck. I don't think God is even around to notice."
Suddenly, a lightning bolt from the blue strikes down and kills the preacher.
A booming voice from the heavens says...
"S**t, I missed."
*
Met my last girl friend by accident....
She was a hot little redhead walking down the street. I was driving by when the wind picked and lifted her skirt high enough for me to see she wasn't wearing any panties.

That was when my eyes bugged out and I hit the car in front of me.


 

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When I heard a faith healer was the guest preacher at the local church, I decided to check him out in person.

I sat down and the preacher came right up to me. I do not know why. Maybe it was because I looked like I did not belong.

He laid his hands on my shoulder and said, “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him, “I am not paralyzed.”

He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same divine message, “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty and the will of God, you will walk today.”

Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.


After the sermon, I stepped outside and lo and behold, someone stole my car!
 

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^




On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light. He put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of fine wine, and 3 cans of sardines.


When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!
 
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