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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I got this one about 3 blondes that I'd like to tell:)
 

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Discussion Starter #3
You wouldn't need jack stands with her:) and she wouldn't disturb the paint on the jack points either
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Just turn this into a joke thread and invite all to it. :D :p :D :p

Ok, if you insist:) A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
 

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Quit Telling BLONDE JOKES

You realize, of course, that blond jokes are passe. The current rage is no longer blond, but "formerly blond" jokes.

One of these very quantitatively talented girls (as all blond girls are supposed to be) became tired of being made fun of and decided that if she would only change the color of her hair she would be able to prover herself a person of extraordinary perspicacity (i.e. meaning she was really smart). She looked for a challenge and finally went up to a shepherd bedazzled by her remaining quatitative assets and told him with a smile. "I have changed my hair color and that has brought me amazing abilities no one else has. But I guess you would want me to prove it. So, if I can tell you in less than a minute exactly how many sheep you have in your entire flock, will you promise me that I may have my pick of the one I want?"

The shepherd was barely aware of the question, perhaps a bit distracted by her enormous obvious talents. Besides there were so many sheep out in that flock there was no chance anyone could get the number right . He grunted, "Okay. Sure"

He suddenly realized she was serious, and continued to watch in mute admiration as she quickly looked the flock over, estimating size and extant (this obviously referred to her observations, not his). Suddenly she broke into his concentrations, saying very confidently: "You have exactly five thousand, four hundred fifty one sheep."

The shepherd suddenly realized she had been serious -- and very close. He did not say another word until he had spent several minutes counting the flock himself one by one, and then in amazement counting a second time to be sure. He too came up with -- yes, you guessed it -- 5,451 sheep.

Sheepishly (how else), he told her she was right. He had to admit he was impressed and did not realize -- had no idea, in fact -- that she had such other extraordinary "talents". He would honor his promise. She could take her pick.

Which she did.

But then, after the shock wore off, and after some slight hesitation as he debated with himself exactly how he was going to phrase his next remark to her, the shepherd finally said: "You know, I have no idea how you did that. And I am astounded. But I recall you mentioning that you were able to do it because you changed your hair color. But now, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, would you promise me that I could have my dog back?"

Remember, someone else started this thread.
 

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A friend and his blonde wife here in the snowy Pacific Northwest were listening to the radio during breakfast a few weeks ago. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The wife was upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?

Replied the husband, with a sigh, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
 

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TEN HUSBANDS
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
 

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Little Johnny was a bright child, and one day he was sitting in his maths class, learning all about addition and subtraction. At the end of the class, his teacher decided to ask the children a fun question to see if they had learnt anything.

“Imagine,” she said, “that there are three birds sitting on a fence. A farmer comes up and shoots one of them … how many are left?”

Immediately Johnny’s hand shot up. “Please miss!! I know the answer!” he yelled.

“OK Johnny, let’s see if you can work it out,” she replied.

“Well, miss, I think there would be no birds left!” he said.

“Umm … and how do you explain this Johnny? Let’s go through this again, there were three birds on the fence, the farmer shoots one of them, so there will be … “

“No birds left miss!” he interrupted.

The teacher looked at him quizzically and said, “Well Johnny, how do you explain that?”

“Well miss, when the gun goes bang the other two birds are scared and fly off … so there are no birds left, miss!”

The teacher smiled a little and said, “Hmm, in this case you’re not quite right, but nonetheless I like your thinking.”

A week passed by and there was another maths class. This time the teacher, a quite young and attractive lady, decided to ask the class if they had any questions of their own.

“Oh yes, miss! I have a question!” exclaimed little Johnny from his desk at the back of the classroom.

“Well, come on then Johnny, what’s the question you’d like to ask this time?” she said.

“Well miss,” he beamed, “imagine that there are three ladies sitting on a park bench, and they’re all holding an ice cream in their hand. The first lady is nibbling the ice cream, the second lady is sucking the ice cream, and the third lady is biting the ice cream. What I want to know is ….. which one of them is married?”

This question stumped the young teacher and she was momentarily lost for words, failing to see what it had to do with maths, but anyway she decided to say something. “Well, Johnny, I couldn’t be sure but I’d have to say that the lady who was married was the one who was … sucking the ice cream.”

“Oh no, no, noooo miss, not at all!!” he grinned. “The lady who was married was the one wearing a wedding ring on her finger. But I like your thinking ….”

;)
 

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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in her Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" . When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that **** thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
 

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Jim, is that really you??!

I imagined you a little differently... You be careful you dont get that main of yours caught in the alternator belt of that series 1 okay?!?
 

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heres my bad joke

whats the definition of a will..

.
....
......
........

Common' its a dead give away..:D

its terrible but i love it
 

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One day in class during show-and-tell, little billy got up to the front of the class and said he had something really exciting to show the class. On the chalkboard he drew a single dot. "What is that supposed to be billy?" asked the teacher. " A period," said billy. "whats so exciting about that?" asked the teacher. " I dont know, but when I woke up this morning, everyone was shouting and screaming at each other because my sister was missing one..."
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I'm really sorry i started this:( . I promised not to suggest anything so stupid anymore:)
 

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the dead bateries were given away free of charge...:D

i couldn't resit..
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I have no choice. I have to like blond jokes.


See?


What's left of my blond hair is a joke! ;)
I'll take 2 5x7's and 6 wallets:D
 

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"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A f ew minutes later the little girl comes back to the
phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn' t know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? . . .

Is this 486-5731?"
 

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the *** and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!"

And she acts like she's sound asleep.
 
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