A joke section? - Page 5 - Alfa Romeo Bulletin Board & Forums
 76Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #61 of 748 (permalink) Old 05-16-2007, 03:51 PM
Registered User
 
Pat Braden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Dexter, Michigan USA
Posts: 4,631
A Joke Section?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
One day this mouse is walking along the edge of a cliff and hears someone screaming for help. He looks down and sees a Rhinocerous down in a ravine who can't seem to make his way out. The mouse Runs off and returns in his Mercedes, ties a rope to the bumper, throws the rope down the ravine so the Rhino can tie himself to the rope and the mouse slowly backs up his Mercedes and pulls the Rhinoceros to Safety. The Rhino is most greatful and Says to his new friend the mouse, "Thanks you so very much, I could have perished in that ravine, If you ever need me for anything I'll be there to help you"

Weeks pass and one day the rhinoceros hears the mouse screaming for help. His little friend is caught in a drainage ditch and can't seem to get out. The Rhino straddles the ditch and lowers his "member" into the ditch. The mouse quickly runs up the Rhinos "member" to safety.

The moral of the story...............If ya got a big enough [cough] you don't need a Mercedes.
The only thing that would have conclusively tied this up was an introductory statement, something to the effect, this is for whomever posted how about some car jokes.....as I recall, his had something to do with ice cream and blowing seals.

Cheryl
(Not an authority nor SME on anything, just PATSYF)
Pat Braden is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 748 (permalink) Old 05-16-2007, 05:23 PM
Registered User
 
AlfaRonny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Belgium
Posts: 758
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


"You sign! You sign!"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


"You sign! You sign!"


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:


(It's a beauty)



(Wait for it)



(Get your best Chinese accent ready)



''You not Nissan Main Deala?"
AlfaRonny is offline  
post #63 of 748 (permalink) Old 05-17-2007, 05:15 AM
Registered User
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 92
This guy is driving his Ferrari Daytona spider down route 66 and sees a sign [like the old Barbasol signs] that reads,

5 miles to Grandma's Ho House,

So he begins to ponder a little action to shorten the monotonous trip across the mid west.

As he drives on he once again HE spots another small sign that reads,

3 miles to Grnadma's Ho house

He continues on until he once again passes a sign that reads 1 mile to Grandma's Ho House

Then 1/2 mile

Then 1/4 mile

500 yards

And then a hugh bill board that reads

Your Here at Grandma's Ho House

He down shifts his fazaz and fishtails into a long driveway lined with trees and suddenly his dreams of a little action come to full steam as he sees a mansion on a hill top. On the front porch of this tree covered mansion is a little ole lady sitting in a rocking chair.

He screaches up to the front steps, jumps out of his car and walks up the steps and says,

"Howdy, you must be grandma."

The old lady says,

"Yep, and that'll be $500 bucks to get through the front door."

He reaches into to his wallet and gives the ole lady 5 nice new crisp "C" notes which she promptly stuffs into her bra as she points the way to the front door.

Our friend anxiously enters the front door and it closes behind him.

Suddenly the poor soul realizes the mansion is nothing but a facade of a house from a movie set for there in the field behind the facade is a bill board that reads,

CONGRADULATIONS, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN F*^%& by GRANDMA

Last edited by Jamesbo; 05-17-2007 at 10:27 AM.
Jamesbo is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #64 of 748 (permalink) Old 05-17-2007, 10:26 AM
Registered User
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 92
Father son and grandfather take their Alfa 2600 to the golf course for a nice round of golf. As they are about to tee off on the first tee, up walks the gorgeous buxom babe they have ever seen who inquires, " Do you mind if I join ya'll for a round and make it a foursome."

The three generations gentlemen agree to let her join them and begin thinking of what a wonderful way to spend a beautiful day playing golf with such an attractive female companion.

The lady says, "Ok, guys here's the deal, I'm a good golfer and I'm a stripper so you can cuss, drink, pass gas, what ever you want to do, I've seen it all .........just don't tell me how to play the game. .......I know what I'm doing."

So the foursome begin their round of golf together.

On the first hole she birdies, second hole par, third hole birdie and finishes the front side with a 36.

On the back side she's on fire wiith her drives, irons and putting and the foursome is soon approaching the last [18th hole.]

On the last hole she's gets on a par five green in two. She slowly begins to line up her putt to make eagle and says, " Ok guys, I've never broken 70 on this golf course, I might need a little help from ya'll.

Who ever helps me make this putt......... I will take home to my place, give them some single malt scotch and I will give him the best b-job he ever had in his life.

The grandson anxiously runs up, looks over the green and says, " I believe this putt is going to break about 1 ball to the left of the cup"

The son looks over the break in the green and says, " I believe it's only going to break about 1/2 a ball to the left of the cup."

The Grand pa looks at her..............then the green, then looks back at her and says,






"That's a gimmie .......you want to go in my car or yours."
Jamesbo is offline  
post #65 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-06-2007, 05:24 PM
Registered User
 
ga_mtn_spider's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Ellijay, GA
Posts: 203
A 95 year old man meets a 95 year old woman, in the nursing home where they both live. After 6 months of courting they wed. Honeymoon night as he sits on the edge of the bed she removes all her clothing from the waist up. She proceeds to tell him, before we go any further I need to let you know that I have ACUTE ANGINA, to which he replies I certainly hope so cause your breast are quite disappointing
ga_mtn_spider is offline  
post #66 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-07-2007, 11:26 AM
Registered User
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 92
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
Norseman50 likes this.
Jamesbo is offline  
post #67 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-15-2007, 09:16 AM
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 437
why do women wear white on their wedding day?


Because the dishwasher should match the fridge.
conchgtv is offline  
post #68 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-15-2007, 10:15 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: BR, NJ
Posts: 857
Why do men die before their wives?

Be cause they want to!

Mo in NJ
Happily Married
mmarvi is offline  
post #69 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-25-2007, 06:35 AM
Registered User
 
sfloridalfa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fort Lauderdale, florida
Posts: 222
Italian Joke Without Hair.....

The priest asked Maria, " On your husband's funerial, how could you wear a bright red dress? ". She replied " I am wearing black panties, and thats where I miss him the most".......

















'
sfloridalfa is offline  
post #70 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-25-2007, 09:18 AM
Registered User
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 92
Talking

Do you know how to get a old blue hair lady to say "F&*%*"






Get another old blue hair to yell out "BINGO"
Jamesbo is offline  
post #71 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-25-2007, 10:19 AM
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 437
little sally, 8 years old lived in a lovely house with an empty lot next to her bedroom window. after some time, a construction crew showed up at the empty lot and started building a house. What went from a peaceful but boring view out her window became a bustling construction site with all manner men and equipment rushing to and fro.

Little sally would go and visit the jobsite after school everyday and sometimes she would bring the men fresh lemonade or cookies or some such. after a while the men took a liking to her and made her the site mascot of sorts. They would ask her to help out in some small way, fetching a hammer or holding the end of a measuring tape. After a month passed, the men got together and decided it would be great to pay her a little something for the effort. The foreman talked to the contractor and they made out a company check for her in the amount of $20.

Sally was so happy when she received the check and thanked them so very much. It was more money than she had ever had so she rushed home and showed her mom. Her mom was very proud of her and told her what a good little enterprising young lady she was, and who know? maybe one day she could be an architect or a contractor. Sally's mom grabbed her and check in hand took her to the bank to see the bank manager about opening a savings account in sally's name.

Sally showed the manager proudly the check she had earned. Wow said the manager, thats a lot of money for such a young girl. How ever did you earn that money? so Sally told him about the jobsite and the men and all the work she had done. Well Sally, I will open up this savings account for you, said the banker. Will you be going back to do more work next week? Sally replied, "yeah, if those coc su*kers down at the fuken lumber yard ever bring us some more goddam wood!"
conchgtv is offline  
post #72 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-25-2007, 12:06 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: BR, NJ
Posts: 857
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
What does a battered wife do ......
Not Funny
Mo in NJ
mmarvi is offline  
post #73 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-25-2007, 12:17 PM
Registered User
 
Pat Braden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Dexter, Michigan USA
Posts: 4,631
A Joke Section?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mmarvi View Post
Not Funny
Mo in NJ
Thank you for saying what needed to be said. If I had posted that since I'm female, I would have been considered a poor sport and not able to "laugh" along with some of the men on this list who don't know where the line is between "poor" and "acceptable" taste, obviously.

Cheryl
(Not an authority nor SME on anything, just PATSYF)
Pat Braden is offline  
post #74 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-25-2007, 03:16 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Sterling, Virginia
Posts: 101
My pampered wife actually thought that was hillarious.
Nacho is offline  
post #75 of 748 (permalink) Old 06-25-2007, 03:34 PM
Registered User
 
Pat Braden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Dexter, Michigan USA
Posts: 4,631
A Joke Section?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nacho View Post
My pampered wife actually thought that was hillarious.
I guess, "pampered" wives have a very different appreciation of humor than their counterpart. Just so there is no confustion, that statement is in no way intended to lead anyone to draw any inference about counterparts or their relationship with their specific spouse etc. It was intended as a general across the board statement not meant to encompass anyone specifically. Having said that, I still believe the joke was in "poor" taste.

Cheryl
(Not an authority nor SME on anything, just PATSYF)
Pat Braden is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Alfa Romeo Bulletin Board & Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome