here's a few ...some of the others are a TOS
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that *****."
A man calls 911 and says:
"I think my wife is dead."
The operator says:
"How do you know?"
"The sex is about the same, but the laundry is piling up!"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor
who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my
tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the
same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping
for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out?
Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing, left-wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.
"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited hooker!
"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!'
"And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”
"Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
"I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.
A guy walks into a bar. Joan Rivers is the barmaid. There's a sign behind the bar that reads: Handjobs - $10 Cheese Sandwich - $1.50 The guy asks Joan, "Are you the one giving the handjobs?" To which she replies, "Yes, I am". The guy says, "Well, go wash your hands, *****, I'd like a cheese sandwich"....
Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven."
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her." So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife a lot." He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates."
Hilary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hilary said to Janet, ‘You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last put his pecker.’
Janet responded, ‘Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ‘politically correct’ for being ****in buck ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.’
Hillary asked, ‘Well,... how do you deal with the problem..?’
‘Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.’
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts all day, and she was so ready for him..!
She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting wet, squelchy, sounding fart you could ever imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, ‘Janet, is that you..?’