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post #556 of 748 (permalink) Old 01-20-2015, 01:25 PM
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Sometimes I wish... ...that I could put my GF on airplane mode.
~
My Labrador Retriever has yet to retrieve a single Labrador.
~
Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you get there faster too.
~
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
~
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep
...but once a month it's shark week.
~
Wow my neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen.
~
My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything, but my ex-wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen.
~
After years of commercials... I still have no idea what a "Go Daddy" is.
~
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers,
but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
~
My neighbors listen to great music... whether they like it or not.
~
They say your memory is the first thing to....... something...
~
Found out at today's staff meeting that I have sleep apnea.
~
Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing,
There was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market'
~
My GF said "you treat this place like a hotel".
She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for

"'rude staff'"!
~
One of the keys to success is to work harder than an ugly stripper.
~
Tony Verna, the inventor of instant replay,

died Sunday at the age of 81.

“Thanks for nothing,” said Dez Bryant.
~


~

............That's all I have to say about that





.
.

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".

Last edited by ARwrench; 01-20-2015 at 01:27 PM. Reason: Give ma a "Booyah"
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post #557 of 748 (permalink) Old 01-23-2015, 01:16 PM
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When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
*
If you thought accidentally sexting your parents was embarrassing, wait until they return the favor.
*
My only real long term goal... is to never end up on Maury.
*
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now.
Hopefully modeling.
*
Kids today don't know what hardship is.
When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
*
"Very clearly cats were sacred to them." :Future archeologists who discovers the Internet.
*
I tried oscillating once. ......Not a fan.
*
Sometimes I think those Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
*
Thousands are attacked by sea creatures every year.
We here at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You're welcome!
*
The gift of gab...
doesn't feel like a gift when it’s been given to your spouse.
*
Ladies, if your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it's probably because you haven't told him what they are yet.
*
My girl friend absconded from me as a result of my impulsion to utilize a synonym reference book upon the entirety of my colloquy.
*
What's the difference between Family Guy and Keeping up with the Kardashians?
There's only one dog in the Griffin family.
*
A wise man once told me.....
"You are a fool if you can't think of your own quotes".
*

Laundry teaches kids racism.


*
They say you're likely to meet your future wife at a wedding.
I hope that's true. I'm not that keen on the one I'm marrying this weekend.
*
*
My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."
At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"
"Give me an example," she replied.
"Well, while I was screwing you last night, I was thinking about your friend."
*
An atheist was fishing in Scotland one day when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. The boat capsized and the man was flung from the boat. As he flew towards the monster's open mouth, he screamed; "Oh God, help me!"
Immediately everything was frozen in place. The ferocious attack stopped and the atheist was left suspended in mid-air. A booming voice came down from the sky: "I thought you didn't believe in me!"
"Come on God, give me a break," said the man. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"
*
17,000 atheists in the Middle East rioted this week after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.
*

*
I bought my wife a new cardigan with the words
'My Favorite Sweater' on the front.
She's still is sulking for some reason.
*
I was passing by the bar on the way home from
work when I saw my best friend Simon gulping down one shot after another.

"Si, what's going on?", I asked.

"It's my wife, Claire", Simon replied. "She ran off with my best friend!"

"Hey wait a second!", I asked, "Aren't I your best friend?"

"Not any more", Simon said with a happy smile.

"He is!!"
*
What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow?


Run over.
*
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of
you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell
us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an
enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the

congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."


“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".

Last edited by ARwrench; 01-23-2015 at 01:27 PM. Reason: I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay......
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post #558 of 748 (permalink) Old 01-27-2015, 12:55 PM
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My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up.
Clearly I've failed to teach him our family's proper role in the psychiatric process.
*
Lying about my age has gotten easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
*
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It's giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
*
The yogurt aisle is so confusing now. It's all Greek to me.
*
What do I give the woman who has everything?
Well, my phone number for a start.
*
I failed my Politics exam.
"Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".
Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
*
It's sad when your best friends get remarried and you know it'll be another 2-5 years before they're single and ready to hang out again.
*
The journey of 1,000 miles begins with <
"Daaaaad I have to peeeeee"
*
An impoverished farmer and his wife were lying in bed when he leaned over and started to rub her breasts. "If only these would give milk," he sighed, "we could get rid of the cows."
Then he began massaging her butt. "If only this would lay eggs, he said, " we could get rid of the chickens."
At this, she leaned across and started to rub his penis. "If only this would get hard more often," she said, "we could get rid of the farmhand!"
*
The owner of a drugstore arrived at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner went inside and asked his clerk what the story was.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explained. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
The owner replied, "You idiot, laxatives won’t cure a cough."
"Sure does," the clerk said, pointing to the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."
*
A man and a woman had just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary and were heading up to bed for some marital bliss.

On the way up the stairs, the woman glanced at the pictures of their children and thought about how much she loved her life.

Once they got to the bedroom, the man turned off the lights and carried his wife to bed.

Mid-coitus the woman realized that in their twenty years married (and the prior years dating) she had never seen her husband naked. Perplexed by this realization, she used a brief lull in the action to turn the lamp on.
Click!
The man was wearing a strap-on instrument. The two froze, sharing a strangely intimate moment of shock and confusion.

Finally, the man cleared his throat, "I can explain the toy if you can explain the kids."
*
If I'm ever found dead on some jogging trail,
Please let the cops know my body was dumped there and I was killed elsewhere.
*
Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering a hot dog in a bun made out of fried chicken.
It’s part of KFC’s new My Life Has No Value Meal.
*
According to a new study, women should wait until after sex to urinate, because peeing beforehand may lead to a urinary tract infection.

“Well, there is a third option,” said R Kelly.
*
The Egyptian Museum in Cairo acknowledged on Saturday that it was forced to glue the mask of King Tutankhamen back together after its beard broke off.
“Luckily for me, I can only lose my beard through divorce,” said John Travolta.
*
...Now an oldie

An old man and a preacher are playing golf one day, when the old man hits his ball into a creek.
"S**t, I missed," he says.
"You really shouldn't talk like that," the preacher responds, "God is always watching."
The old man apologizes and the two continue their game.
A few holes later, the man gets his ball stuck in a tree.
"S**t, I missed."
"Sir, God does not tolerate potty-mouths like that."
"Preacher," the old man responds, "I'm 74 years old. I've fought in the war, watched my brother die of cancer, and lost my wife to a car wreck. I don't think God is even around to notice."
Suddenly, a lightning bolt from the blue strikes down and kills the preacher.
A booming voice from the heavens says...
"S**t, I missed."
*
Met my last girl friend by accident....
She was a hot little redhead walking down the street. I was driving by when the wind picked and lifted her skirt high enough for me to see she wasn't wearing any panties.

That was when my eyes bugged out and I hit the car in front of me.



“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".

Last edited by ARwrench; 01-27-2015 at 12:56 PM. Reason: BooYah
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post #559 of 748 (permalink) Old 01-28-2015, 05:55 PM
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When I heard a faith healer was the guest preacher at the local church, I decided to check him out in person.

I sat down and the preacher came right up to me. I do not know why. Maybe it was because I looked like I did not belong.

He laid his hands on my shoulder and said, “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him, “I am not paralyzed.”

He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same divine message, “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty and the will of God, you will walk today.”

Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.


After the sermon, I stepped outside and lo and behold, someone stole my car!
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In England you drive on the left. In New England you drive on what’s left.
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post #560 of 748 (permalink) Old 01-30-2015, 06:14 PM
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^



On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light. He put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of fine wine, and 3 cans of sardines.


When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".
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post #561 of 748 (permalink) Old 01-31-2015, 03:55 PM
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To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that *****?"
*
"No", she replied, "But my cucumbers are enormous".
*
"OK, but be careful not to fall in that big f*cking hole in the floor."
*
She was so convincing, Bill actually hit on her.
*
"Naw, I couldn't find her head."
*
The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."
*
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
*
And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
*
He says, "The sex is about the same, but the laundry is piling up!"
*
The gas station attendant replied, "The last time I saw Billy he was headed north with a black man tied to the roof of his car."
*
"I don't have arthritis", the drunk said, "But I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
*
She said, "Pretty tight huh?"
*
The little girl replied, "Because he likes to f*ck pigs!"
*
The guy says, "Well, go wash your hands, b!tch, I'd like a cheese sandwich".
*
"No", says Johnny, "But I was too ashamed to mention that he's a lawyer."
*
A: Because it makes their noses look smaller.
*
The guy answered, "I just saw my wife on roller skates."
*
Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".
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post #562 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 06:59 AM
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I recognize two punch lines. Are you going to give us the rest of the jokes or did I miss a post?

Al
Current Alfa: 1986 Spider Veloce
Previous Alfa: 1987 Spider Graduate
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post #563 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 08:31 AM
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^ONLY 2


here's a few ...some of the others are a TOS


Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that *****."

~

A man calls 911 and says:

"I think my wife is dead."

The operator says:

"How do you know?"

He says:

"The sex is about the same, but the laundry is piling up!"
~
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor
who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my
tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the
same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping
for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out?
Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
~
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing, left-wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited hooker!

"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!'

"And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
~
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”

"Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

"I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.
~
A guy walks into a bar. Joan Rivers is the barmaid. There's a sign behind the bar that reads: Handjobs - $10 Cheese Sandwich - $1.50 The guy asks Joan, "Are you the one giving the handjobs?" To which she replies, "Yes, I am". The guy says, "Well, go wash your hands, *****, I'd like a cheese sandwich"....
~
Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven."

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her." So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife a lot." He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates."
~
Hilary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hilary said to Janet, ‘You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last put his pecker.’
Janet responded, ‘Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ‘politically correct’ for being ****in buck ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.’
Hillary asked, ‘Well,... how do you deal with the problem..?’
‘Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.’
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts all day, and she was so ready for him..!
She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting wet, squelchy, sounding fart you could ever imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, ‘Janet, is that you..?’

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".

Last edited by ARwrench; 02-02-2015 at 11:03 AM. Reason: I can't like my own post....waaaaah
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post #564 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 06:22 PM
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post #565 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 07:21 AM
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Fiat....pffft


Memorable Moments

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".
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post #566 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 03:10 PM
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Upon winning the Super Bowl, Tom Brady was awarded a new Chevy Pickup. Before driving it he asked that 2 lbs of air pressure be taken out of each tire.

Andy Steben '71 1750 GTV (daily driver & track day car)
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post #567 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 03:17 PM
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Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
~
The guy who invented the umbrella meant to call it a brella, but he hesitated.
~
My favorite winter activity is pizza.
~
Not only do I refuse to take the stairs up to my office, when I'm in the elevator I wish there was a chair in it.
~
Piñatas are a great way to teach children...
that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
~
Kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks...

to the alligators.
~
Is there an app... to delete your number out of other people's phones yet?
~
Someone needs to teach drug sniffing dogs about the whole "man's best friend" thing.
~
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
~
In a parallel universe...nobody can park
~
If it's the thought that counts... then I should probably be in jail.
~
A girl on vacation headed for the hotel roof for some sun. On her first day up there she wore a bathing suit but since there was nobody around, on the second day she removed it in order to acquire an all-over tan. She was lying on her stomach when she heard someone running up the stairs. She quickly pulled a towel over her and was confronted by the assistant hotel manager.
"Excuse me," he said. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunning yourself on the roof, but we would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What's the problem?" she asked. "No one can see me up here."
"That's not quite true," he replied. "You're lying on the dining-room skylight."
~
It gets kinda awkward when you're stuck in the middle of a couple starting a full blown argument right in front of you.
They could have at least waited for me to pull my pants up and leave the bedroom first.
~
I paid my last dues to the wife today.
I finally came to an agreement with an assassin.
~
Schizophrenia affects 6 out 3 people
~
I woke up this morning and said to my wife,
"that was amazing last night, were you faking it?"
"No" she replied, "I really was asleep!"
~
Yesterday, a judge urged transvaginal mesh makers and the women suing them to work harder to resolve the thousands of open lawsuits.
Said the judge, “My stomach can’t take too much more of this testimony.”
~

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".

Last edited by ARwrench; 02-06-2015 at 03:18 PM. Reason: Booyah
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post #568 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-10-2015, 12:17 PM
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My computer crashed...
now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
~
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials,
it’s that only attractive people take showers.
~
It is much easier to hula hoop with an erection.
~
My GF must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn't finished it.
~
30+ and single? There's an app for that.
Wait..... My mistake. A cat.
~
Never try to pay a prostitute with chocolate covered ice cream.
Apparently, there ARE limits to what someone will do for a Klondike Bar.
~
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday
'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
~
I just want a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel
~
I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".
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post #569 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-11-2015, 06:57 PM
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“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".
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post #570 of 748 (permalink) Old 02-12-2015, 03:30 PM
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Got bit by a mosquito yesterday

Found out it checked into the Betty Ford clinic this morning.



“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
Oo--V--oO There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness".
ARwrench is offline  
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