The Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars - Alfa Romeo Bulletin Board & Forums
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-25-2005, 06:50 PM Thread Starter
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The Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars

As the owner of an Italian vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that, from time to time, the thing defies all known laws of Physics. Distinguished researchers from all over the world have spent entire lives trying to understand such phenomena. Recently, the Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars were discovered, thus reducing most owners’ dependency on sorcerers and prayer to keep such cars running.

Careless application of these laws to any individual car may fix the problems of the moment, but cause hives or allergies in said owners.

1) THE LAW OF PLEASING DESIGN WHERE IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER
“The inside of cam covers or other relatively innocuous areas, shall be laced with buttresses, cross-bracing and all manner of esoteric stiffness-with-lightness design, while something like connecting rods shall self-destruct at redline plus 1 rpm due to a basic lack of strength.” An example of this Law is the stunningly beautiful Lamborghini or Ferrari V12s of the late 1960s. They were famous for wearing out all four camshafts in 10,000 miles or less. The cam’s metal appeared to be recycled coathangers, which coincidentally are still in short supply in Italy.

2) THE LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL APPARATUS
“All Italian Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an out-of-focus picture shown.” It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest the natural balance of the car be upset.

3) THE LAW OF ELECTRICAL CHAOS
“All Italian Sports Cars shall be wired at the Factory by a cross-eyed, colour-blind worker, using whatever supplies are within reach. All wires shall change colour-code at least once between energy source and component. All grounds shall be partially insulated.” This tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to trace out each wire, then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will differ from all others in at least one area.

4) THE LAW OF PERSONAL ABUSE
“The more an Italian car breaks down, the more endearing it becomes to its increasingly irrational owner.” For example, you purchase an Italian Sports car, for all the money you ever hoped to earn, and receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from the dealer due to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return trips to said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves, cures the smoking. But now, the engine sounds like a food processor full of ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car, including the radio speakers, the noise vanishes and is replaced by an odour reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You still keep trying, God help you.

5) THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE PARTS
“All parts of an Italian sports car shall be made of a material that is available in inverse proportion to its operating half-life.” Thus, the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade 8 cold rolled steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at midnight by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars. Such parts will be backordered during the design phase of the car, and will remain so forever. Bribes, pleading and threats will be ignored.

6) THE LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS
“Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or operations of an Italian sports car shall be written such that every fourth word is incomprehensible to the average owner. In the event that a random sentence is understandable, the information contained therein shall be wrong.” This is also known as flat-tyre English, where a sentence flows along nicely, then – Kaboom!

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-26-2005, 04:20 AM
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Lol, too funny. Especially 2 & 6.

Nick D'Eri

1972 Montreal
2008 Mercedes E550 4-Matic
2015 Ford Fusion Titanium
2008 Piaggio Fly 50
1977 Peugeot 103 Moped
------------------------
Former Italians:
1968 Fiat Dino Spider 2.0 2003 - 2013
1992 164S 2002 - 2008
1981 Spider Veloce 2001 - 2003
1974 Fiat 124 Spider 1979 - 1981
------------------------
Dad's Former Italians:
1962 Giulietta Spider 1964 - 1969
1969 Berlina 1750 1970 - 1971
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-26-2005, 03:31 PM
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"the noise vanishes and is replaced by an odour reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory." - LOL, in case a singed human eyebrow weren't bad enough. I hope it's a spider so you can at least put the top down for temporary relief.

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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-26-2005, 04:04 PM
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The best humor comes out of instances of truth and this is ver very humorous.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-27-2005, 05:28 AM
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You could write a similar thing about the Italian road system. There is a strange lack of logic about signage:

1. Signs are invariably written in small text that you can only read when you are on top of them.

2. Signs disappear at critical moments.

3. Signs are placed on the corner at which you need to turn with no warning beforehand.

4. Signs contain so many place names that by the time you find the one you want it is too late.

5. Signs don't display the place you need to head for, causing you to drive past the turnoff you should have taken, get stuck in a half hour queue at a 10 kilometre long tunnel that is one way due to repairs, then go all the way back through it after finally finding an exit on the other side, all in the dark and fog, (this happened to us last night).

6. Signs are obscured by shrubbery, buildings or vehicles.

7. You have to cross three lanes of fast moving traffic to turn left within 50 metres of where you entered the road.

There seems to be an assumption that everyone already knows where they need to go like a local. Also one way roads are the norm. The same applies to advertizing events - it is assumed everyone already knows something is on or you find out about it by some sort of process of osmosis. Also tourist offices rarely know anything about what is on around their area and either have no brochures or have only one which you have to read and return, as was the case with the Perugia Chocolate Festival recently. Despite all this we absolutely love Italy as we do their cars. I have driven 35,000 km here and still enjoy it.
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Current Alfas
2010 159 ti 1750 TBI sedan (red).
2004 GT 3.2 V6 (Stromboli Grey).
2008 159 TI Sportwagon 2.4 JTDM (Stromboli Grey).
1987 75 3 litre (red). My first 75 and now my son's.
2000 156 2 litre Twin Spark, ( Cosmos Blu metallic), my daughter's car.
2000 156 Monza Twin Spark, (Cosmos Blue metallic), son’s girlfiend’s car.
1999 GTV 3 litre 24 valve V6, metallic black, (son’s new car).

Non Alfa
1988 Range Rover Classic Highline 3.9 V8

Past Alfas
1989 75 3 litre, written off by runaway van.
1990 75 3 litre Potenziata (black), now sold & living in Newcastle NSW.
1990 75 3 litre Potenziata (grey, sadly deceased due to fire).
1982 GTV 2 litre, red, (daughter's first Alfa)
2 x 1992 164s, (1 red, 1 grey).
2 x 1988 33s, (both red).
1985 GTV 2 litre, (white).
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-27-2005, 12:34 PM
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oz, you say that like it's a bad thing. LOL. i think everyone here just hasn't spent enough time trying to understand the italian mind. luckily, having been born with one, this makes perfectly good sense to me, including the six laws posted by Gold Cloverleaf. i'm sure all the other native and non-native born italians on the bb can attest to this.

great thread and very funny, especially since it's true.

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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-27-2005, 04:50 PM
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Absolutely hilarious! Well done Sir! "Unobtanium"?
Are you a government guy? You are also familiar with design and production.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-27-2005, 05:27 PM
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Bama in da house!!!!!!!!! hi LaVoche, long time no see bro.

2010 Camaro SS (Traded in so I can afford an Alfa), 2004 Chevy Z71
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-27-2005, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by La Voche
Absolutely hilarious! Well done Sir! "Unobtanium"?
Are you a government guy? You are also familiar with design and production.
I wish I could take credit for this hilarious piece, but i have no idea who wrote it I took it off another car forum that was unrelated to Italian cars (a general modified car forum).

For the Road: '67 Giulia Super, '85 GTV6
For the Off Road: '85 Unimog U1700L, '01 Defender Td5
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-27-2005, 06:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oz3litre
You could write a similar thing about the Italian road system. There is a strange lack of logic about signage:

1. Signs are invariably written in small text that you can only read when you are on top of them.

2. Signs disappear at critical moments.

3. Signs are placed on the corner at which you need to turn with no warning beforehand.

4. Signs contain so many place names that by the time you find the one you want it is too late.

5. Signs don't display the place you need to head for, causing you to drive past the turnoff you should have taken, get stuck in a half hour queue at a 10 kilometre long tunnel that is one way due to repairs, then go all the way back through it after finally finding an exit on the other side, all in the dark and fog, (this happened to us last night).

6. Signs are obscured by shrubbery, buildings or vehicles.

7. You have to cross three lanes of fast moving traffic to turn left within 50 metres of where you entered the road.

There seems to be an assumption that everyone already knows where they need to go like a local. Also one way roads are the norm. The same applies to advertizing events - it is assumed everyone already knows something is on or you find out about it by some sort of process of osmosis. Also tourist offices rarely know anything about what is on around their area and either have no brochures or have only one which you have to read and return, as was the case with the Perugia Chocolate Festival recently. Despite all this we absolutely love Italy as we do their cars. I have driven 35,000 km here and still enjoy it.

No worse than Utah. When we first moved here a few months ago, I didn't know that they had renumbered all the exits on I-15 (the main highway), so that directions on Yahoo and all the other map sysyems were about 3 exits off..
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-27-2005, 06:30 PM
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Haha, yeah, that was fun. Stu, have you noticed how there is a LOT of construction here?


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Renault/Citroën/Alfa/Fiat/Mercedes/Volkswagen.
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-28-2005, 05:22 PM
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What up Judge? Life is good in 'Bama. Roll Tide! How's that fine young man of yours? You know, I noticed he has excellent taste in cars!
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-29-2005, 12:55 AM
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I believe whoever wrote the laws about Italian Sports cars did NOT have an Alfa. He would have added something about not starting, no matter what, if it were bad weather outside. That is special for Alfa, because even if not all Italian Sports cars are feminine, all Alfas truly are. Some things with an Alfa can only be done in the privacy of your own garage so they try to dream up new reasons for you to be there with them. And we keep right on bringing trinkets and offerings. They must be feminine!!

Last edited by twoliterlover; 10-29-2005 at 12:57 AM.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-29-2005, 12:13 PM
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I believe there is yet a seventh Law concerning Italian Sports Cars. I have been able to distill it from observations of many years. The oil spots deposited upon the back of certain such sports cars are from the leaks desiged to somehow protect the car from the rusting process. So, I give you:

7) THE LAW OF COMPETING TERMINAL DISINTEGRATORS

“All Italian Sports Cars shall be so designed and constructed that in the race between terminal rust and terminal leak both will be swifter than the other”. All components such as doors or trucks shall be specifically constructed so as to have no discernable drain locations to insure storage of water from strategically located drains collecting any and all moisture upon the surface of the vehicle. Pre-vintage quality old fashioned rust shall be pre-supplied in the cars most hidden and inaccessible places and locations. Regardless, all components connected to the oil system shall be designed to receive constant vibration and stress to demonstrate over time the concern of the owner for his vehicle by the eventual coating of that oil and protection from rust of all surfaces (and even coating and protection of garage floor, driveway and all overnight parking places). Periodic inspection shall be required to determine which terminal condition for the moment has the upper hand. Both or either may be declared the winner at any time.
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Last edited by twoliterlover; 10-29-2005 at 12:16 PM.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-14-2019, 01:29 PM
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Exclamation As I said, there are seven laws.

Who is this Marie who has posted or stirred up this "laws of Italian car manufacturing"? The seventh law is what makes it very specifically for Alfa Romeo, and I have cited it to people for years. I hope the laws are known by all owners of the 102 version of spiders, sedans, and even the very rare Sprints. I would ask that it be posted to the 1900, 2000 and 2600 section although it is readily applicable throughout the whole range.

[B]JAY NUXOLL [/B][EMAIL="
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