A joke section? - Page 8 - Alfa Romeo Bulletin Board & Forums

  #106 (permalink)  
Old 04-29-2008, 01:52 PM
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Moving on!

OK Alex whatever you say!

This lady walks into a deli and wants to order a pound of thinly sliced bologna. Butcher says "price is 4.99 a pound".

The lady says, what! the butcher up the street only wants $1.29 a pound but he is out of it".

Deli butcher says, "lady if I was out of it, I would sell it for a buck 29, too".
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  #107 (permalink)  
Old 04-29-2008, 02:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Csank View Post
Now, can we get back to the "jokes" instead?
Ok. Take your pick:

Dumb Blonde Jokes
Religious figures entering a bar Jokes
Animals in a bar Jokes
Limricks
Flatulence and general bodily related Jokes
One liners
Quotes from stand ups
Political, correct or incorrect
Old people Jokes
Funny lines lifted from movies
People of low intelect Jokes...

Someones gonna get lanced in nearly any joke told.

My grandfather told me a true story about his brother in Chicago.

He and all of his 6 brothers, cousin and friends formed an orchestra. They played dance tunes in speak-easy's, road houses and such. One evening they even played dinner music for Al Capone while he ate a late, after hours, dinner with his group of body guards on guard.

Here's a funny story;
One night they had just set up for an evening at a dance hall. The owner of the Model-T Ford they used to transport the musical intruments and band members left the car at the hall. The cars owner had to leave for another job elsewhere. One of the band members was blind from an accident the previous year. He was the only one left who knew how to drive.

To make a long story a bit shorter, they needed to go across town to get some sheet music they forgot. My great uncle, in his early 20's I'm assuming, had his blind friend operate the controls and drive the Model-T while he instructed him which way to turn and when to brake. It was raining cats and dogs, when they approached an intersection.

A traffic cop stopped them, got on the running boards and said to them, "Take me back to the station house, I need to get my slicker".

My great uncle swallows hard, takes a moment to gather his thoughts and says, "You drive, you know the way better than we do!" And he did.



The joke was that my great uncle was in fear of them both getting a costly moving violation, not that a blind man was driving. The situation was unique and funny to both my great uncle and his friend, a lark in fact.
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  #108 (permalink)  
Old 04-29-2008, 02:36 PM
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A Joke Section / Blindness

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlexCsank
Now, regarding "drive-up" ATMs, I can see the joke. However, I have also been to some banks which do not have anything but 'drive-through' ATMs. I have used these by walking up to them and using them like I would a walk-up. I suppose that braille might be useful in those circumstances.
Not in the state I live in....while it may not be against the law yet, they will not serve you because of the liability issue and there are huge signs posted to that effect; the same for drive-up fast food windows, which includes bicycles, skateboards, roller skates etc.

As for blind jokes, I'll be blind long before you will be, so if I can make light of it, give a little leeway or should that be fairway? Having said that, I appreciate your point, but sometimes humor helps my day and getting through it, even if the joke could be directed at or applied to me. I'm sorry you feel it was inconsiderate of others and in poor taste. My apologies.
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  #109 (permalink)  
Old 04-29-2008, 03:29 PM
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I'm sorry if I offended Alex.

By the way, the Hungarian mechanic, Gabor, liked what you had me say.
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  #110 (permalink)  
Old 04-29-2008, 04:03 PM
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In the future:

*The human life will be extended to 200 years, but the last 150 will be spent in unremitting pain and sadness.

*No one will take drugs, but people will still buy them and conceal them from the police.

*Children will be only required to attend school only when something comes up in conversation they don't understand.

*All people will speak the same language, but no one will speak it well.

*All farming will cease and the land will be used for loitering.

*Although people will not keep pets of any kind someone will still occasionally step it dog poo.

*A team of astronauts will attempt to harness a comet and never be seen again.

*Man will learn to control the weather with a large hammer.

*A time machine will be built, but no one will have time to use it.

*All the knowledge in the world will be contained on a single, tiny silicon chip which someone will misplace.

*The speed of the earths rotation will increase and everyone less than five feet tall will be flung off into space, including Paul Anka.

*The sun's light will diminish until it is the equivalent of a forty watt bulb, and people with highly developed squinting abilities will have a survival advantage.

*Every part of the human body will become replaceable, but all parts will be back-ordered six months.

*People will change clothes every six minutes, but still never be quite happy with their appearance.

*Cities will be built under huge glass domes which, in time, will eventually be completely covered by graffiti.

*Chickens will operate on gasoline and, surprisingly, many of them will get good mileage.

*The insane will no longer be housed in asylums; instead, they will be displayed in department store windows.

*The oceans will dry up, and people will find things they dropped in the toilet many years ago.
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  #111 (permalink)  
Old 04-29-2008, 06:39 PM
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Good show Chris! I liked those.

I really don't mind jokes about whatever stereo-typical group you may choose to make...what bugs me is when it continues and then becomes more of a complaint and much less like a joke...and that's what I saw happening about the blind.

Personally, I like jokes about middle-aged white guys!

Q: How many middle-aged white guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What!!?! Come on! Just one of course! What are you, stupid?!?!
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  #112 (permalink)  
Old 05-02-2008, 07:12 AM
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Just in case theirs somebody in the world who hasn't seen this.

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  #113 (permalink)  
Old 05-02-2008, 05:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aldo View Post
Just in case theirs somebody in the world who hasn't seen this.

I LOVE THAT ONE!!!

How do you spell your name?
Uh, lets see, uh, A, C, phlem...
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  #114 (permalink)  
Old 05-02-2008, 05:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Csank View Post
Good show Chris! I liked those.

I really don't mind jokes about whatever stereo-typical group you may choose to make...

Ok, here's one for you.

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?


A pilot, you racist dirtbag.
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  #115 (permalink)  
Old 05-02-2008, 06:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UngaWunga View Post
Ok, here's one for you.

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?


A pilot, you racist dirtbag.
Yeah...I heard the same joke but applied to a 'female'. Good stuff!
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  #116 (permalink)  
Old 05-02-2008, 08:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pat Braden View Post
Aren't ADA rules wonderful and well thought through? I'm not quite to Braille yet, but it's nice to know that when that time comes, I can use an ATM and golf; the problem is how do I get there in the first place? Instead of a seeing eye dog, how about a seeing pack mule/caddy?
Braille steering wheel...
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  #117 (permalink)  
Old 05-03-2008, 06:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1,6 HF View Post
Braille steering wheel...
Braille shift knob? Braille headlight switch? Braille door handle? Braille seatbelt buckle?

Scary thought, braille shotgun
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  #118 (permalink)  
Old 05-03-2008, 09:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Csank View Post
I don't see why any of the braille issues you have written about belong in a joke section. Blind people are guests and family members of golfers, hunters, gun club members, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicola View Post
Alex -
Shame on you!
Not "blind people", rather "people with sight impairment".
Gordy,

You're right, I believe we are now also considered "disabled" and no longer "handicapped" if I have the current politically correct terminology right. We have the "Student Disabilities Center" on campus and the "Lab for Disabled Students." However, the parking placards and signage still read "Handicapped" and we "accommodate" as opposed to "giving special treatment."

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1,6 HF
Braille steering wheel...
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChsMadden
Braille shift knob? Braille headlight switch? Braille door handle? Braille seatbelt buckle?...
An appropriate road sign....
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Last edited by Pat Braden; 05-03-2008 at 06:48 PM.
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  #119 (permalink)  
Old 05-03-2008, 05:49 PM
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This might be better in the wrist watch thread but anyway, this is how to tell time in Italy.

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  #120 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2008, 06:05 AM
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This was recently posted on another board I frequent. Made me 'lol'.

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 Lb. Walleye on the first cast and a 7 Lb. on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever
Walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 Walleye over 10 pounds. He was jubilant....Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wifes condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just messin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
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