A joke section?

[lowmileage]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmarvi On January 21 2009, an old man approached the White House. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W Bush." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President anymore and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same group approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President anymore and has returned to Texas." The man thanked him and again walked away . . . The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President and has returned to Texas. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you just fine. I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow." Jan 20 2009 The end of an error.

[pieter97]

This is just too damned funny not to share..............

Subject: A (supposed) Actual Letter To The Passport Office


Dear Sirs:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a tv cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30+ years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bull****! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****ing address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal *******s working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me ... why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another ****ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new
passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the ****ing place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some ******* to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (****ing morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Sincerely,


You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who


P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!

[aldo]

I found this kind of funny and if it’s for real, it’s hilarious.

PETA Media Center > Recent News Releases : The Breast Is Best! PETA Asks Ben & Jerry's to Dump Dairy and Go With Human Milk Instead

[Chsmadden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aldo I found this kind of funny and if it’s for real, it’s hilarious. PETA Media Center > Recent News Releases : The Breast Is Best! PETA Asks Ben & Jerry's to Dump Dairy and Go With Human Milk Instead

[Publio]

In that joke about the Marine...did he actually mean Bill Clinton? He was the military hater.

[Alex Csank]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Publio In that joke about the Marine...did he actually mean Bill Clinton? He was the military hater.

[lowmileage]

Anyone here ever go to one of these

MILLIONAIRE FAIR - big shooters only need apply

[Dan Walker]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Publio In that joke about the Marine...did he actually mean Bill Clinton? He was the military hater.

[Alex Csank]

Just so there is equal time given to each side:

Q. What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A. Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.

Q. Why is Barack Obama jealous of Hillary Clinton?
A. She the one with the cojones.

Q. What made Barack help a Chicago slumlord to victimize the poor?
A. The check.

Q: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Giving money and power to Barack Obama is like giving liquor and car keys to a teenage boy. (Tip o’ the hat to P. J. O’Rourke)

Q. What's the difference between Pinocchio and Barack Obama?
A. Obama's nose doesn't grow when he lies.

Q. Candidate Obama has been telling us, “Yes We Can.” What will President Obama tell us?
A. “Yes You Will.”

Q. What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A. Deductible.

Q. Why won’t Barack Obama’s presidential jet be flight worthy?
A. It will only have a left wing.

Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake.”
Barack Obama says, “Let them eat arugula.”

[Alex Csank]

Aw heck! Here's a few more about McCain and Palin:

"Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno

"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight's Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night's theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President's daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien

"There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife." –Jon Stewart

"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." –Jon Stewart

"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because hedidn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno

"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF." –Bill Maher

"John McCain has finally decided on his vice president. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement." –David Letterman

"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno

"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no. John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman

"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous. Everybody knows McCain doesn't know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno

"Cindy McCain sprained her wrist. Doctors say it's nothing serious -- she probably did it cutting John McCain's meat into little tiny pieces." --Craig Ferguson

"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." –Conan O'Brien

"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman

"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury." --Jay Leno

"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien

"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien

[yvesmontreal]

The owner of a fairly new Ferrari visits the service department of his friendly neighborhood dealership. He seems angry. Gino, the service manager, eventually shows up.

Owner: "The AC doesn't work..."

Gino scratches his nose.

Owner: "... and the trim on the dash is peeling off..."

Gino represses a yawn then reluctantly pulls out a work order form.

Owner: "...and the driver's window will not work. On a car that costs this much..."

Gino stops listening. Once the girl walking across the street has disappeared from view, he starts scribbling notes on the work order.

Owner: "...and on my way here, I got blasted by a Porsche."

Gino's face becomes AR501 red, his eyes are like saucers. He turns around to scream: "Guido! Tony! Venite qui! And I meana NOW!!!"

Some things in life are more important than others.

[Nicola]

Guy goes to see the doctor -
Doctor says, "You've got to quit masturbating."
Guy says, "Why?"
Doc says, "I'm trying to examine you."

[Chsmadden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nicola Guy goes to see the doctor - Doctor says, "You've got to quit masturbating." Guy says, "Why?" Doc says, "I'm trying to examine you."

[Alex Csank]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nicola Guy goes to see the doctor - Doctor says, "You've got to quit masturbating." Guy says, "Why?" Doc says, "I'm trying to examine you."

[Nicola]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alex Csank I had to throw a guy out of the navy with that problem!